The journal

Episode 1 Tired:

 It's hard to write . it's hard not to write.

It's hard to miss you like this and not be able to tell you. 

I'm tired .i don't want even to tell my friends. I need other solutions to be able to live with it until it'll finally go away to its resting place ( whatever where that is) if there's a resting place for emotions like for humans. 

Can we put our feeling to rest , really? 

Can emotions really die or we are just pretending they are dead?

I've chosen to write here . To give a getaway for that stupid little feeling. To tell him run run away be free ,i won't kill you , I can't kill you, I need you to stay in my heart, you're the fire that keeps my heart worm. 

I know it's a bad idea , why keeping something Soo harmful, why give it much power over us, why letting him feast on our blood like a sick creature that will kill you eventually , so many whys???

But I admit I couldn't despite the long trail of evidence lying around to convince me that it's only my imagination playing tricks on me , that it's only a desert mirage . I know all of that. I get all the above. Yet my mind is so convinced with this alter reality as if that was my reality not the Ather way around. And that's a scary thing when your mind confused illusions with realities. And illusions becomes your reality.

I know this sound like a crazy's journal. But my mind is a mind field, that's how I'm feeling it right now. 

Hopefully putting it in words gives them wings to fly ,have a life of their own and live me in peace with my solitude. 

Episode 2 Hurt

I keep coming back to that message of yours. What an idiotic way to hurt someone. I just wish you could've written something meaningful, a true angry message, a sincere one not some idiotic remark about a comment I made on Facebook. 

What a stupid way to hurt someone's feeling . 

Why we allow ourselves to say words that are hurtful to someone just because it's not our type of person , just because we don't like him that much , is that a good excuse to be mean to him just because we don't appreciate him enough. 

I certainly do not think so. 

We are human being regardless ages , religion, work , origin or whatever. Being a human is more than enough to be respected and to be respectful.

And I'm not talking about being nice toward others, I'm talking about accepting others , just a civil act of humanity and decency. Just that.

And for that and for other reasons, I feel hurt , because you only treated my feeling like they're nothing but you didn't even respected me as a human being .

I'm a human being, a little human being but still , i deserve respect and acceptence. 

Would that be soooo hard on you , Mrs humanity and values who preach for human conscience and human rights and more . 

Why was it Soo hard for you to see me , to have a normal conversation with me . Or i don't fit the criteria of great thinkers and intellectual persons?

Episode 3: Accepting

I know it ends . I get that . I'm not crazy.

Living alone without any affection is possible . When you're all alone living with pain in the heart is killing because you you fid your pain , you're giving it your energy and strength. So better forget about it. 

Feeling lonely is much more better than feeling hurt. 

By now I should be accustomed to forgetting and forgiveness even if I don't really forget but I choose to live in peace 🕊️. I really don't have any anger toward anyone. I only carry my pain in my heart. 

I haven't done any harm to no one . Why do I deserve such a pain . Why we hurt the nice ones , we humiliate them . 

I know I'm not alone in my feeling. That many people like me are alone and are wondering why.